Pretty much...

Yep.

Clutches of reality

Today I had my first burst of inspirations since I don't even remember. I sketched better then I have since I left for Japan and it felt like I could have kept going for houers on end just like I used to. But then I'm hit with reality. Clean up the kitchen and go to work in thirty minutes. The walk to my job is pretty short but I cried every step of the way, I never knew it would make me so miserable to repress my creativity.

Hold your breath and count to ten...

I'm pretty bad with updating theese days, I'm not feeling at ease with anything latley, I'm feeling physicaly ill and worn out to the point that I get sick almost daily and I'm not really happy with my living situation. I've been looking at, and thinking about actually buying, an apartment in another, larger, city as to have closer to friends and family and also get more job opportunitys or maybe even go back to school. However I'm sort of caught in a catch 22, if I want to leave my job and move I won't get the loan and if I don't quit my job I can't really move. I guess I could commute since it's about an houer away with the train but my work schedule is so irregular that I doubt it would be possible. The short of it is that I'm stuck, I guess there are things I could do,other opptions, but I don't feel like there is a way to improvment in the mix. I wish my life could feel less like a test of my endurance.

Great quake

Both my facebook and twitter accounts are overflowing with everybodys updates on the earthquake in Japan, I'm glad to see that my friends and extended family are alright in Tokyo (I had to leave work and call around to make sure), but still the consequenses are devastating. I remember how scared I was everytime we had a quake when I lived there, taking cover under a table and not knowing what to do, and I only ever experienced smaler ones. I feel for everyone affected, natural disasters have never been a threat as I live in Sweden and watching the news reports on this it's something I'm really thankfull for.

A bright wednesday

Today, suddenley, I felt as if my spirits had been lifted, maybe it's the sign of me starting to find balance in my life, or maybe it's just because I'm off work tomorrow.

The opposite

I just saw "The Opposite" episode of Seinfeld the other day in wich George gains great success in life by doing the opposite of what he would usualy do. Inspiered by this I too decided to go against my nature today and accept the offer to take on work full time instead of the 80% I'm currently working. I'm not quite sure how my own body works at times like theese but the other day I found myself in the mids of a panic attack, sleepless and vomiting at 3 am in the morning, just because I had to work the next day. My instinct is of course to rage quit (or whatever the wuss equivelent of that is) but in an attempt to attain happiness and great success in life, I will do the opposite.

新年あけましておめでとうございます

A slightly belated happy new year everyone!

Yesterday I found something really fun, my newyears resolutions from 2003, such a long time ago! I don't remember if I fullfilled my promise that year but as I look at it now I have for sure. It makes me think that maybe I should always write down my promises and goals and not be so hard on myself if I don't make it in one year when it's what you accomplish in the long run that really matters. I think it's a common mistake to not recognize your own success, however small it might be, so I probably should work against that.I'm both proud and thankful for the fact that I've managed to become both happy and healthy on my own.

I would also like to say thankyou to everyone for reading and following my blog, when I started writing I never thought I would see 200+ followers!

I can't quite belive it and I'm very flattered.

Small world

So I went to Stockholm this weekend and instead of lounging about town shopping I ended up at a hotel right next to where Swedens first suicide bomber took his life, I was safe and sound at a resturant with my family and I only noticed the police and fire trucks. I only saw it on the news after I got back to the hotel and then I walked past the place where it happened in the morning. It was a little unsetteling to see, a piece of the wall in the alley had been blown out. As if that wasn't enough for a weekend, when I got back home I got told the bomber comes from the city I live in now, he supposedly went to school with some of my friends and used to live on top of the bar where I've applied for extra houers. I hate theese kind of coincidences, it makes me feel like the world is simply too small!

Job interview and more things

I went on my job interview today, it's a job at the callservice (why does that sound like a sex hotline to me?) for a big train company. I think I did okay but there was quite alot of people there so we'll see I guess, the whole looking for a job thing feels kinda stressful so I hope I get it.

I got some new things (again), this big ribbon bag from Emily temple cute. I thought this one was really large for some reason, I guess it just looked like it in the blogs but it's barley larger then a A4 paper. It's still okey, I like it anyway but I really want a much more spacious bag so I guess the search continues.

I also got these socks from Emily temple cute, I love the ribbon & chocolate series, I'm trying to get the dress from it aswell (although I probably won't wear them together, I think that would be a bit much). I'm happy theese are so long, now I can wear them in winter too.

Also, I made it to the top 5 in the giveaway I mentioned earlier, wah I'm so happy! Please vote for me! I'm coordinate C.

Confessions from work

Whenever someone at work talks about patiens (I work at a hospital), all I can think of is:

Silent hill patient demons.

Futuristic hedace

Well, I was going to write a long hime-wig review but some late news sort of bummed me out so now it's just some usual whining.

The acceptans letters from different schools went out today but it seems I had little luck with it, despite applying for so many different programs I didn't end up with a whole lot of choices. I got accepted to a course of culture studies and one for graphic design, I am also a spare for three different law schools but it seems my grades just where not up to par for the psycology and pharmacy classes I really wanted to take. I'm not sure what to do with this comming year now, I kind of don't want to waste loans on moping around campus just to pass time but I doubt my ability to find a fulltime employment since I lack both higher education and much work experience.

Is this what I get for trying to be a realist for once in my life? For trying to get a real adult education to get a real adult job, not dreaming along and applying to art and design schools wich might amuse me for now, but will most likley leave me piss poor in the gutter with debt over my ears as soon as I'm not a student anymore.If that is the case, then screw you life, you're a jerk!

Pillow talk

I had a rather uneventfull two days off from work, I tried making okonomiyaki without much luck. The highpoint was that I found fitting pillows for the gorgeous pillow-cases I bought last Thursday. I bought them without pillow inside in the shop because I was sure we would have ornamental pillows in the right size at home but of course I was wrong.

I love them anyway, both motif and colours match beautifuly with my bedspred and my room.

We also had a storm this weekend with houers of rain and thunder and now follows the high humidity, everyone at work is sitting with their sleeves rolled up and fanning themselfs with reports and questionnaires, maybe today is the day when I take this years first swim outdoors.

...But home is nowhere.

I imagine the feelings I'm experiencing upon my return ought to be close to the ones of Alice, when waking from Wonderland.
I'm back from the magical, whimsical world, I'm back from the rabbit hole.

It's a perfect day atleast

From the window of my second floor room I can reach out and pick this autumns last kaki from the withering tree in the garden.

さよなら友達！

Today was the last day for my most charming brazilian classmate, Roberto, who will be returning back home for work. I think it will feel quite empty in the classroom after he's gone and it brought me back to the reality of how fleeting the friendships I make here are. I will probably remember all of them for more or less all of my life due to the circumstances we got to know each other, alone, far away from ouer families in a country where we don't speak the language, extraordinary circumstances. But in little more then three months I will return back home, probably for good, and I wonder how many of the peopel I meet will I ever see again?

Latley...

... it's really cold in Tokyo.
... I've been walking more and realised how much you miss out on by riding the JR everywhere.
... I have this urge to play Castlevania Symphony of the night.
... my creditcard is being troublesome.
... I'm learning that my gut feeling about who to trust is always accurate.
... I'm developing a crush on my japanese teacher.
... my room is getting too cluttered, even for me.
... I found out a swedish friend of mine came out of the closet in my absence.
... Royal Milk Tea have tiny cake shaped keychains on their bottles.
... I can't draw.
... I worry to much.

And then it sort of hits you...

Människan är en fantastisk maskin, det är helt surealistiskt hur snabbt man vänjer sig, hur snabbt man blir avtrubbad. Igår hade jag ingenting att göra så jag åkte till Shinjuku och promenerade runt, fönstershoppade på Maruione JR och köpte en ny skolväska från Angelic Pretty. När blev dethär livet min vardag? Jag antar att det bara är bevis på att man faktiskt aldrig kan leva sina drömmar då de ligger i deras definition att vara ouppnåeliga. Translation:
Humans are quite formidable in ther way of adapting. Yesterday I was feeling bored so I went to Shinjuku and walked around, did some window shopping in Maruione JR and bought a new Angelic Pretty school bag. When did this become my everyday life? I guess it's just a testament to the fact that you can never acctually live your dreams because they are, by definition, unattainable.

Tokyo chill

Det drar kallt i Tokyo inatt, jag saknar ett ångande hett bubbelbad och min stora mjuka säng med duntäcke där hemma.

Translation:
It's really cold in Tokyo tonight, I miss a hot bubble bath and my huge, soft bed at home.

Harajuku, en regning måndag.

Vi hade en sista ledig dag från skolan idag och medans Ylva var och letade efter en lägenhet tog jag mig runt harajuku och spanade affärer, jag hittade MILK, Jane Marple och JackRose innan jag gick till Takeshita street för att titta lite på Closet Child. Det blev mer än att titta då jag gjorde min första riktiga shopping sen jag kom till Tokyo och köpte den kronformade väskan från Babyssb som jag suktat efter så länge, jag kännde att jag var värd det. Inte helt oväntat skulle jag kunna spendera mer eller mindre hela min resekassa i den stadsdelen på nolltid.

Translation:
We had another day of from school so I went to harajuku to go shop spoting. I found MILK, Jane Marple and JackRose before I went to Takeshita street to have a look at Closet Child. I did more then look, I bought the crownshaped Babyssb bag that I'v wanted for so long, I felt like I was worth it. It's not unexpected that I could spend all my money there in no time.

Dag tre

Tills jag instalerat mig mer och skaffat en kamera kommer det nog mestardels vara korta dag för dag rapporter om mitt vardagsliv, ni vet, sånadär intressanta saker!

Idag hade jag mitt sk. "placement test" vilket inte alls var ett test egentligen eftersom jag inte känner mig säker på något av de jag kan så sa jag att jag inte kunde någonting och de var tydligen okej, jag fick gå hem med infon att jag läser eftermiddagspass, fyra timmar frånochmed tisdag. Jag längtar efter att lära mig mer, jag är inte så förtjust i att vara så fjärmad från vad som faktiskt är min verklighet. När vi hade lunchrast vandrade jag runt ungefär en timme i Takadanobaba, under mitt paraply i regnet i en värld där jag inte förstår och inte blir förstådd fick jag en lost in translation-esk känsla av magi och ensamhet.

Dagens största nyhet är att jag lyckades hitta en LAN kabel och nu har pålitligt internett på mitt rum, en otrolig lättnad.

Translation:
Untill I'm totally seateled in and find a camera my eneries will mostly be about my everyday quarrels, you know, the interesting stuff!

Today I had my placement test wich was not a test at all, so I was beeing angsty for nothing, I'm in the beginners course, four houers in the afternoon starting on tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more so I don't have to feel so alienated from this place that is my reality now. During lunchbreak at school I took one houer to walk around Takadanobaba, alone under my umbrella in the rain in a world where I don't understand and I'm not understood, I had a sort of lost in translation-ish feeling of lonleyness and magic.

Best news of today is that I found a LAN cable and now have internet access in my room, what a relief!